Hard truths are usually difficult to accept and not what we wish to hear the most. Hard talks are also difficult to deliver due to the fear of affecting relationships and creating conflicts. However, both are necessary for mindset shifts and personal growth.
As a leader and mentor, I engage in extensive coaching to bring out the greatest potential in the individuals I lead. Hard Truths Hard Talks is our team’s version of HTHT, and when working with aligned and matured individuals, it has helped many of us grow in our careers and as individuals.
It’s also the term that came into my mind repeatedly when I was reading Tim Grover’s book, “Winning”, where he shared 13 principles on Winning – not just in championships but in life.
I had the opportunity to hear performance coach, Tim Grover in person at the MDRT Annual Meeting conference last year. The fact he was Michael Jordan’s performance coach drew our interest immediately. Subsequently, his open dialogue offered fresh perspectives and was thought provoking in a no-nonsense manner. I read his book, “Winning” right after the conference. Through the book, he conveyed Hard truths of life every one of us can learn from. My top 3 favourites are below.
“Winning wants all of you, there’s no balance.”
Excerpts from “Winning’ By Tim Grover
So many of us pursue that elusive work life balance every day of our lives; yearning to enjoy quality time with the ones we love and yet also excel at our career. Thus, this will definitely not be the most popular train of thought in this world where balance is strongly advocated and individuals seek instant gratification.
However, as I look back on my life – it is indeed true that there were periods of intense push and discomfort that truly saw a lack of balance, but yet, undeniably, gave me the life I have today.
When I was a young leader, I was also a first-time mother and I was also a wife whose husband was battling cancer – balancing it all was close to impossible. Some days, the scale tilted towards the ones I love, but many days in those 2-3 years of building, it tilted towards the career. I remember working till 10 to 11pm, burning my weekends, heading off for overseas trips and retreats, and feeling the weight of mum’s guilt regularly. I remember the stress and lack of self-care, which led to a massive bout of burn out where I took a solo overseas trip to recalibrate my life. But yet, it was in those years that I built up my mental resilience, my skills set, my knowledge, and my systems that allowed me to achieve what I was fighting for – a better life for myself and the people I love.
This, I feel is a hard truth of life many of us need to face up to today. To truly win and succeed at something, it requires our utmost efforts and commitment and some days, there will be no balance. The number on a perfectly balanced scale reads zero and if we prioritize balance, we will end up with a mediocre journey, with zero success, victories or happiness.
Instead, I really agree with the advice from the book – strive to focus all your attention on succeeding at the one thing that can make a serious impact in your life and allow you to bring everyone else with you. Be open to live in a state with no balance for a while, accept that there is no free lunch in the world, be prepared for sacrifices, focus diligently for a few years – so as to achieve financial freedom and ultimately – time for everything else.
“Winning is selfish.”
Excerpts from “Winning’ By Tim Grover
Selfishness always carries a negative connotation; so, as human beings, we strive to be “good’. We strive to give as much as we can, even at our own expense. We consider others more than ourselves, because it feels like the right thing to do. But, what if, you need to be selfish to win? And what if, this selfishness will allow you to give more to others?
This is another hard truth of life I resonate deeply with, having gone through exactly what I describe above.
I used to give so much of my time to others, going above and beyond, often at the expense of personal rest time, because I want to be seen as someone who is selfless and giving, especially as a young leader trying do it all and to lead by example. This totally backfired on me, because it led to burnt out and I learnt the hard way – there is no way you can pour from an empty cup. I needed to take care of myself, so I can give more to others. I needed to be selfish and to say no at times, so I have the space to grow and only then, can I continue to inspire and fuel the people around me.
As a mother, this selfishness is really hard to act on. If we have spare time, we feel we should be spending it with our children and feel guilty if we were to indulge in things like a manicure, a spa session or even just shopping. But yet, self-care is necessary for us to be a better version of ourselves and when we are healthy mentally and physically, our love ones will benefit the most from it.
Another thing I find hardest as a mother is when overseas conventions or learning conferences come about. We feel bad for leaving the kids for days and for dumping all parental duties onto our other half. Over the years, I have made many such trips and the guilt does not lessen. I am thankful for having the most supportive spouse who encourages me to go for these trips, because he understands the need and was willing to take on the household responsibilities for me to grow. Because of his support and push, I had the opportunity to learn from the best in the industry worldwide and continue to level up in my abilities.
The hard truth I have learnt here is that we need to be selfish at times, to be the best that we can be. But we need to be selfish winners, who fuels others with our success because being selfish comes with great responsibility – there must be an outcome that makes it worthwhile for all parties involved.
Invest in self-care, so you have the capacity to continue to give, to grow and to inspire others.
Invest in education and learning, whether financially or in time so that you can see better results and effectiveness, which will in turn free up more time for the ones we love.
“Winning doesn’t make you heartless, but you will use your heart less.”
Excerpts from “Winning’ By Tim Grover
Tim Grover described how this perspective did not go down well with many, as society encourages us to embrace and to show our emotions. He clarified that he is not against emotions, it is good to laugh, to cry, to be happy or to be sad, but just not all the time, and especially not when you are trying to win.
I can totally relate to this, as I was not able to control my emotions in my younger days or even now, at times when great disappointments hit me, I still find myself ruminating, and I have realised that, it is not useful at all. The more emotional we are, the less logical we get and problems end up feeling bigger than they actually are and we end up dealing with feelings more than focusing on what we can do about the situation. It does not allow us to move forward positively and instead drag us down a bigger black hole. I have seen this often when mentees are stressed or down and if they are not able to manage their emotions, their feelings affect the way they do their work and ultimately, their ability to produce the outcome they desire.
“I am not able to control how I feel” was something I had said before. But over the years, I have learnt that no matter what happens, I can always choose my own reaction. I can choose to dwell on negative issues and spiral downwards or I can choose to react in a proactive manner and come out of any situation positively. By working on my thoughts and focusing on what I need to do, I had managed to overcome challenges and achieve the outcomes I want. I have also learnt to use data and logic to counter emotions and feelings during coaching sessions – facilitating constructive discussions in an objective manner. What we focus on grows, shifting the focus from emotions to possible solutions reduces the emotions and improves the outcome.
The hard truth here is that many of us tend to get entangled in our emotions. And in the bid to show support and empathy to each other, we validate these emotions, inadvertently amplifying the issues and affecting performance outcome. To overcome this, it is important to acknowledge our emotions but also, manage our thoughts with logic, and our actions with systems. It is true that when we use our hearts less, we achieve more. Ask yourself today, what are you willing to control, or what will you allow to control you?
Hard Truths, Hard Talks – might not be what we enjoy listening to or what we agree to immediately, but these perspectives do have their elements of truths, and every perspective helps us on our learning and growth journey. Always be open to hear different perspectives, so you can grow in your mindset, always appreciate the ones who share them with you, because tough conversations are never easy to have.
